Sunday, February 06, 2011


I don't remember the first time I learnt a lesson. But I am sure it was ages ago and it was harsh. I have a bad habit of never sensing the onset of the worst. However, a lesson I haven't learnt is to predict the worst and prepare myself for it. This sometimes makes me wish from deep within I was somebody else. Somebody stronger, Somebody more daring and even somebody more liberated. But I am not. I am just me.
A year ago, a started walking a path I never imagined. An aberration from the path I was treading upon, if I may add. In retrospect, I know I set myself up for it. What bothers me is not that I walked that dark path. But the fact that I have still not locked the door to that path. A year later, the entrance to that door haunts me. I stand at its threshold occasionally and tell myself I will resist the pull to enter. I will not put myself through that again. I will not allow someone to push me to my lowest low. For giving anyone that right is not fair to the healing pieces of my heart.
So very often I am told I am a foot mat. In different forms and variants. Some milder and some harsh. But I always knew the implications of it. I knew I held the key to changing that about myself. I knew everyone could train, teach or tell me what to say to the people who intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. But unless I find the strength in me to voice these feelings I feel, I will always be taken for granted. And trust me, everyone has felt that once in their life at least. But to feel it for most part of your life is just sad. Not the kind of sad that calls for even an ounce of pity. The kind of sad that makes the person suffering the loser. The loser in their own life, for they are allowing someone to drain them bit by bit, persistently. 
In an attempt to not send out negativity into the world, in an attempt to be some kind of a mock of a martyr, I all by myself, against my own will and the wish of numerous others, drove myself to a point of self destruction. Recovering from there is hard. Telling myself I am better than the shit the world deals out to me seems like a lie on most days. But I did it anyway.
Today miles away from it I know I am still vulnerable to people like that. My mother often told me I am very sensitive. Recently, I saw what could have been a fatal blow to me. And I stood up for myself. Not because of anything else but I knew I am better than that. I am better than this world that I have begun to see from cynical eyes. I am damn fed up of taking the high road. How long can you be the mature person in all the stupidity tearing the earth apart? Guess I reached my saturation point.
Irony: I feel bad I am not stronger than all this to continue taking the high road.
But what I hear as I tread on this new path full of new promises for me is the sound of relief. Almost an echo of everyone who has looked after me at all my weak moments. For them, for whats left of my heart, I give up trying to bottle what I feel. As perfectly said by Dido in her song white flag "But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it  and where's the sense in that?" :)


kneehara said...

I think this is one of your bravest posts yet.. :) :) you can pray and hope for change all you want but ultimately only you can make that change happen :) :* something that i'd like to think we learned together :) :*

Anonymous said...

It isnt enough to know where we have to go, its also important to know where we must not!
And for some strange reason this post brought that out very well! Its honest and makes no false claims.
Approved by DMC.

Prathm said...

I agree with Neehara, I think its one of your bravest and most honest posts. You have the strength you need!

Touché! Sometimes getting things out of your system needs to be aggressive, the anger needs to come out. You can scream into a wall but if somebody hurt you real bad telling them exactly that is necessary for your sanity.

Mins! realising it is one thing but it is when you actually do it that you will be brave!

Love you babe!